The Siege at Fort Gnip Gnop
by John Duncklee

"General, I appreciate the commission of Colonel you have given me, but I really need to know why you have done this and ordered me here to consult with you," Rose Brazear said as she stood in front of General Arnold Newsance as he sat at his large walnut desk puffing a cigar.

"Rosie, you and I have known one another for some time. In fact we met just after this Civil War began. I know that commissioning you, as a colonel in the United States Cavalry, is somewhat out of the ordinary. However, when you hear about my plans for your creative energies, you will understand my decision more fully."

"If this has anything to do with me following you from battle to battle all over this country, I don't see why a colonel's commission is appropriate."

"Just listen to me and I guarantee you will understand my reasoning," Newsance said. "Major Haliburton, the commandant of Fort Gnip Gnop, sent me a carrier pigeon that arrived late yesterday afternoon. It carried a message that he is stymied by three companies of Confederate troopers that are dug in just beyond reach of his artillery and he does not have the strength of numbers in order to dislodge and capture them. I cannot spare any of my troopers to send to Fort Gnip Gnop. This is a dilemma for which I have been trying to arrive at a reasonable solution. I reached a conclusion just after breakfast this morning and that is when I decided to call for your services. They could be at least part of the solution, if you can think of some tactic that, when employed on that rolling northern Wyoming hill country will result in the defeat of those Rebels."

"So, I am supposed to become some sort of instant military genius to devise a plan to do your work for you?"

"In some ways you are correct with that assumption. Since you are a very crafty woman, and have been self-employed as a wonderful woman of the night for this entire war, I have complete faith in your ability to arrive at a plan that will successfully bring this dilemma to a speedy conclusion. I am sure that you know that I am aware that you have at least sixteen ladies of the night in your entourage. I want you to enlist them to accompany you on this delicate mission. I will guarantee their salaries will more than equal what they would otherwise earn in their usual occupation. Do I make myself clear?"

"Absolutely, General. I kind of like the sound of "Colonel Rosie Brazear. The girls will have a lot of fun with that. What do I do about uniforms for my so-called troopers? Your usual tunics will need adjustments for their mammary systems."

"Go tell the supply sergeant what you need and tell him that you are acting under my orders."

"Fort Gnip Gnop is fifty miles up river from here," Rosie said." We will need either horses or mules to get there in good time."

"Go to the stables and tell them what you need, and again tell them you are requisitioning for your company under my orders."

"Arnie, or should I call you General from now on, you haven't told me what I should do once I arrive at Fort Gnip Gnop."

"Rosie, Colonel Brazear, I am just sending you to the fort. You must assess the situation and make up your own mind what tactic you will employ in order to accomplish our mission. And, don't forget to take along plenty of supplies. And, if I know your girls and you, make sure you have plenty of good whiskey. I think at least a keg would be appropriate."

"Where do I get the whiskey, General?"

Newsance pulled out the top drawer of his desk and took a requisition slip from a stack of them. He t ook the pen from its holder, scribbled on the slip, and handed it to Rosie.

"Take this to Bison Booze in town and get your whiskey. They will honor the requisition slip, as they always do. By the way, get the storekeeper busy on those tunic adjustments right way because I want you at Fort Gnip Gnop four days from tomorrow."

"What do you want me to do, kill the horses?"

Newsance exhaled in exasperation.

"Dammit, Rose, just get your butt up there as soon as you can before those rebels decide to attack Fort Gnip Gnop. It is August Fourth, 1865, Rosie. Do you think it is too much to ask that you reach Fort Gnip Gnop by mid-month? Before you leave, I want to see how your tunic fits."

"For heaven's sake, why, Arnie? You already know what will be under the tunic."

"Get busy, Colonel Brazear, before I bust you down to Corporal."

"I should be so lucky," Rose said. "Let's see if I can do an 'about face' without falling on my butt."

Rosie Brasear left General Newsance's headquarters, mounted her sorrel gelding and went directly into the nearby town where the sixteen ladies of the night had been in residence since their arrival eight months prior to this strange assignment. Rose assembled them into the living room of the rustic frontier hotel and told them what had happened and what they needed to do to get ready for the ride to Fort Gnip Gnop.

Two of the girls questioned Rose about the amount of their wages for the assignment. Rose assured them that General Newsance would make it more than worth their while, especially if they accomplished the mission to capture the rebel companies. The two girls calmed down after Rosie's explanations.

Next in the preparations was to take the girls to the supply sergeant and have them measured for their uniforms. That done, Rose took a team and wagon to the Bison Booze liquor store and bought a keg of the best bourbon they had on hand. She returned to Fort Big Little Horn after leaving the wagon and its cargo at the stables next to their hotel. Back at the fort, she went again to the supply sergeant and ordered enough food to get them to Fort Gnip Gnop. While there the sergeant showed her the first three tunics he had made adjustments to in order to accommodate the girls' mammary systems. Rosie gave her approval and requested a finish time for the following day.

"I can get them done by evening tomorrow," the sergeant said. "I can get two troopers to work on them because they are fascinated by the adjustments."

Next, Rose went to the stables and put in her request for fifteen horses for the girls to ride to Fort Gnip Gnop. The barn sergeant, an old timer with lots of gray hair and wrinkles showing his years, told her that he would wrangle the horses in from the pastures early in the morning of the following day. With all her business taken care of, Rose rode back to the hotel where she sought relaxation with a glass of bourbon whiskey from the keg that was out in the wagon. It had been more work than she was used to in getting ready for her first assignment as Colonel Brazear.

The following morning she harnessed the team and hooked them to the wagon to load enough grain for all the horses for the trip to Fort Gnip Gnop. At mid-afternoon she assembled all the girls at the supply sergeant's building where they tried on their uniforms. The supply sergeant was proud of the work he and his crew had done with the adjustments to the tunics. Only one girl's tunic needed further fixing due to her large bosoms that made her look top-heavy. The sergeant outfitted them all with the rest of the clothing including the regulation cavalry hats, which, with their short brims, seemed useless in keeping the sun or rain out of the wearers' faces. From there they went to the stables where the stableman assigned them all mounts for the trip

Rosie dismissed the girls, admonishing them to be ready to start before dawn the next morning. Rosie drove the wagon to the commissary where she filled her food requisition. By that time it was late afternoon. She went to General Newsance's quarters where she found him sitting in his stuffed easy chair with a glass of bourbon in his hand.

"Rose, I must say that you look like quite a colonel," he said. "I put a pair of silver colonel birds on top of my dresser that I once wore. Go on in to the bedroom and get them. I'll help you pin them onto your tunic."

Rosie did as Newsance asked and then looked in the mirror to see how they looked on her tunic.

"I reckon this makes me ready to lead my troopers to Fort Gnip Gnop. I can tell you, Arnie, all the preparations have been accomplished. The girls seemed excited wearing those tunics that are fitted to accommodate their breasts. The supply sergeant had to make Thelma's adjustments larger. That poor girl can never sleep on her stomach."

Rosie left the General's quarters two hours after sundown, checked the team and wagon, and went to bed to get a good night's sleep before starting the trip to Fort Gnip Gnop. Prior to falling asleep, Rosie pondered her assignment and being against war, especially the current Civil War, she tried to figure out a way to carry out her so-called orders without causing any loss of life on either side. Just before sleep came to her, Rosie convinced herself that the best way to accomplish the mission was to use the girl "troopers" in the most effective way. She decided to think about it during the two-day trip to Fort Gnip Gnop.

The team of mules kept the pace of the saddle horses without any problem. They were a sturdy team of prime Missouri mules and had been trained well. The girls chattered a lot as they rode toward the destination. By the time they made camp for the night near the banks of the Tongue River, they were all quite saddle sore. The evening meal was hurried so that they could curl up in their bedrolls as quickly as possible.

The following morning, before taking the hobbles off their horses, most of the girls took advantage of the time and the clear water in the river to bathe hastily before eating breakfast and saddling their horses. The cool water in the Tongue River rejuvenated them and they started the day's ride in good spirits. Rosie was happy to see that the trip was going well because once at Fort Gnip Gnop, the girls would be called upon to perform an unusual spectacle that might go down in the annals of cavalry history as a once only event accomplished by the mounted military.

As they rode toward Fort Gnip Gnop along the Tongue River, the girls chattered away about events in their lives and the wonderings about what the Army was going to order them to do at Fort Gnip Gnop. The sun was sinking slowly in the west when Rosie called a halt to the column after she spotted the fort buildings a quarter of a mile ahead.

"All right, girls, before we arrive at the fort all of you must take off all of your underclothes and put them in the wagon. I don't know what will happen once we arrive, but we need to be ready just in case we have to spring into action with my plan before sunset. You will be wearing your army uniforms and nothing more. My plan is to march toward the Confederate line, ourselves in a parallel line to theirs. When we get far enough toward them so that they will see us, we will unbutton our tunics and display our femininity for them to goggle at. Hopefully they will drop their weapons and come toward us with their eyes and minds glued to our bosoms. Knowing soldiers, I know they will have lust in their minds. Without their weapons the fort soldiers will be able to encircle the Rebels easily and capture them without firing a shot. My plan calls for nobody on either side getting wounded. When we ride into the compound, you will remain where I call a halt to this column. You will wait until I have talked with the commandant and explained my plan to him. The General has told me that me a colonel will outrank the Commandant, who is a mere major. He will have to obey my orders. I think I will enjoy watching a man obey my orders for a change. Are there any questions?"

None of the girls spoke.

"All right, get out of your underclothing," Rosie said, and proceeded to undress.

After a twenty-minute ride, they arrived at the entrance to Fort Gnip Gnop. The sentry had a look of doubt on his face when Rosie identified herself and asked for the directions to the Commandant's office. The girls, still mounted, waited on the parade ground as Rosie rode up and dismounted in front of the Commandant's office that displayed an American flag and a guidon banner designating the company in residence. She entered the office when the major answered her knock on his office door with a "Come in".

Standing in front of the major, Rosie announced her arrival as being in command of the company of sixteen women soldiers with orders to capture the Confederate companies that were threatening Fort Gnip Gnop.

"Major Haliburton," Rosie said. "I have an excellent plan that should accomplish the mission General Newsance has assigned to me."

"I have planned a charge that should bring those Rebels to their knees. Your women troopers will ride 'follow up' to the rear of my troopers and keep their rifles trained on any captives that my troopers take during the battle."

"Major Haliburton, I suppose I need to remind you that I am a colonel and thus I outrank you, Major," Rosie said. "Your family might be big important industrialists, but I must also remind you that you are in the Army and therefore must obey the orders of your superiors. Now, let's see if you understand. Who gives orders, a colonel or a major?"

"Colonel Brazear, I find this quite unordinary."

"Find it however you want to, Major Haliburton. But here is what you will do as soon as I return to my troopers. You will assemble your company and have them hide and remain hidden behind the trees that seem to be flourishing beyond the parade ground in front of the Confederate line. My troopers will advance on the Rebels and you will see them look with amazement at my troopers as the Rebels drop their weapons on the ground and come walking toward my line of attack. Once my troopers have gathered the Rebels, You order you troopers to surround the Rebels and I will order my troopers to hand over the captives to your men. Do I make myself clear, Major?"

"Yes, Colonel, but I cannot for the life of me see how this tactic will work."

"You are not supposed to know how it will work. You are a mere major, and you probably don't know horse manure from boot polish. Just follow my orders and we should get along quite well."

"Very well, Colonel," Major Haliburton said, and saluted Rosie.

Rosie came close to laughing out loud when the major saluted her. She had to turn toward the door before she did laugh, and she forgot to return the salute. Outside the office door Rosie stood looking at the area where the Confederates had dug in. She turned around and went back to the office, opened the major's door and stood there like a statue.

"Major, You are still sitting at your desk! I thought I told you to assemble your company to join this mission. Where the hell are they?"

Haliburton jumped up and hurried out of the door. Rosie watched him running to the barracks. Then, she returned to the waiting girl troopers.

All right Troopers," she said. "As soon as you see the Fort Gnip Gnop garrison leave their barracks you will follow me onto the battle field. As soon as we get strung out parallel to the Rebels, start unbuttoning your tunics. Wait until I call out the command, 'FLASH', before you open those tunics. We might have more fun than a barrel of monkeys capturing these boys that are so far away from home that they are growing horns on their heads.

The regular troopers, following the major's frantic orders, rushed to formation outside of their barracks. As Haliburton explained what part they were to perform in the battle, Rosie's troopers started riding across the plain in front to the Rebel line. Once their line was stretched across the field, Rosie called, "Halt! Dismount!"

Rosie and the girls dismounted, and began walking, leading their horses, toward the dug-in Rebel soldiers. Keeping their eyes on the top of the entrenchment as they walked, the girls saw the Rebel soldiers climb out of their trench and stand looking at them as they approached.

Seeing that they were within good sighting range, Rosie called out, "Flash!". The girls threw open their tunics exposing their breasts to the eyes of the Rebel soldiers. Almost in unison, the Confederate line dropped their rifles to the ground and started walking quickly toward the bare breasted women. Rosie looked back and saw that the Union troopers were advancing so as to encircle the Rebels that were concentrating, not on a battle, but on a vast array of female mammary systems, gawking as they came.

Suddenly, from across the eastern plain heading straight for the field where the action was taking place, two soldiers came at a fast gallop. One held a Confederate flag; the other held an American flag. They charged up to between the two lines and reined in their sweating horses. The Confederate officer reined his horse around to face the Rebel soldiers that had halted their advance toward the bare breasted women. The Union officer turned toward the woman and sat speechless on his horse.

The Confederate officer yelled at the soldiers. "The war is over, why are you still fighting the war? This is August. The war ended on April 9th. It is time to go home!"

"You heard the Rebel officer," the Union officer yelled. "The war is over. Word came back that you troopers were still fighting, so the two of us were ordered here to inform you that you no longer have to fight and kill each other."

The girls screamed in happiness. The Rebel soldiers continued toward the girls, who had not yet buttoned up their tunics.

Civil War military historians, in spite of several of them searching every document available, have never discovered any letters or documents telling what had happened at Fort Gnip Gnop. One historian concluded that there were never any adequate words to describe the incident.

The following day, Rosie left Fort Gnip Gnop and returned to Fort Big Little Horn. She reported to General Newsance about what had happened.

"Arnie, the girls seemed to be in seventh heaven with all those soldier boys. I left as soon as I got things settled up with that idiot Major Haliburton. But I need to know why you never knew that the war was over before you sent me and the girls out on that mission."

"Rosie, I am truly sorry about that, but they haven't built the towers far enough westward, and my cell phone does not work out here."